I want to be married

I can't tell you how much I dream of one day being married. It preoccupies my thoughts, and the desire runs deep. Soul deep.
While I have known for so long that that was a desire in my life, I was fearful of admitting it. There are many reasons I didn't want to say those words - "I want to be married," - but, here are just a few.

1. I didn't want to appear weak in my single season.
2. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened for me.
3. I didn't want to appear desperate.
   

I've been reading a new book, "Get Married: What women can do to help it happen," by Candice Watters. I can't say how much I am enjoying it so far. And it's not because it tells me that I can "act" on pursuing a guy, but just that encourages me to openly admit that I want marriage, and that pursuing that dream is a noble act. Wanting marriage is not something to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong or weak about that pursuit. God designed us to be married. He gave Adam a wife. He gave him an Eve.

So, I blog today to say that I want to be married. And while I will not pursue men, I will pursue being a woman who is marriage-minded, enlisting the support of friends and family who also want to see that in my life.

Take this desire, Lord...

Tonight, I went to a woman's conference at my church, and listened to a message by John Piper about not being a wimpy woman with wimpy theology. As much as I agree with him about having a clear idea as my role as a woman, I struggled with his view of singleness.

He gave three clear reasons why single women are called to a purpose. A calling, really. And while I understand that being called to being single is truly a path chosen for some people, I couldn't help but just feel a knot in my throat as he spoke.

My thoughts went to all my dreams and desires to be married I've had since I was a little girl. I remember having my wedding planned at age 8. My dream wedding dress picked out by the time I was 13. I know the flowers, the time of year, the place.

It's hard - so hard - to give up those plans and dreams for my future. As far as I know, God may have this single season be permanent, and that's a hard reality to accept, let alone embrace.

So, I ask God to please, please take away this overwhelming desire to be married, to have a family, to have a husband. Because hoping hurts. Having this feeling in my life that something is missing brings me to tears.

I don't understand the single season, or the reasons behind it, and why God gave me a desire for marriage. But, I know that God chose this for my life. He knew my future before I was even conceived. I do know that I believe in a sovereign God, and that's all that matters.

Lunch with a friend...

So, I've been meaning to write about this all week, but time has gotten away from me. I think I've had one of the busiest weeks I've had in awhile.

But, last week, I took one of the widows from church out to lunch, and wow, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I thought I would be blessing her, but she equally blessed me.

As a former newspaper reporter, I have a naturally curious nature. Sometimes that's an asset, but sometimes it gets me in trouble. However, when you're having lunch with a person you don't know very well, it can be a blessing.

I'm a firm believer that everyone has a story. And from that story, written through hardships, through joys, through life, you can learn powerful lessons. While she told me her story, I was able to soak in the her knowledge and wisdom, and learned the importance of forgiveness, and the importance of church family.

While this was an item on my list, I hope it will not be a one-time meeting. I hope that this will be a start of a friendship.

Oh ye of little faith...

Sometimes, I forget how truly amazing my God is. In fact, amazing doesn't even seem to be the right adjective to use. My God is a provider. He comes through even when I feel I have the situation under control.

Today I found out the cost of my car repair - almost $600 - is being covered. I don't want to say how or who, but I know ultimately it's a gift from God.

When I found out, my jaw dropped, and I was completely speechless. For those of you who know me personally, that doesn't happen very often.

I don't try to figure God out often. In fact, I probably shouldn't ever, but I wonder if this was God telling me that while I desire a husband and companionship, he IS my companion. I'm not walking through this life alone. I'm not walking through car repairs alone. I'm not walking through being stranded in a Burger King drive-thru alone. He's there.

Sometimes, faith and grace are so hard to understand because they're such abstract concepts in the realm of God's love. But today, God made them a little more tangible for me. I only hope that I will personally be able to make a gift that's equally tangible to someone else weak in faith someday.

My faith in God was strengthened today, and I learned a little more the meaning of grace.