When did I get so bitter?!?

Lately I've been really struggling with being single. There are a lot of factors, and one of them is that I'm turning 30 around one of the most depressing times in life for a single woman: the holidays.

I realize I should be grateful for where I'm at in life. I'm losing weight, I have a lot of great friends, and a great job. And I can't figure out why I'm not content in that. Why I can't just have that and just live my life. Why do I want better? Why do I want more? What am I really longing for?

I've been dreading my 30th birthday. I know it's going to be a hard day, and I would really like it to be memorable and special. I would like it to be day completely about me - from start to finish. I just wish I could keep myself from having unrealistic expectations for the day.

In reality...my birthday falls around one of the busiest times of year. My family lives far away, and they all work in ministry. I work and am needed all day in the office that day. All these are things that won't change, despite the fact that I long for them to. That's life. That's reality. That's not going to change.

I'm praying God will helping me through this birthday. That his grace will be sufficient for me as I turn 30. God knows my pain. He knows that I'm special, and he gave me my day of celebration when he died on the cross. Now I just need to get that into my head.

Making...stuff...

I have good memories of my mother sewing. Making things has always been a part of my life. I love knitting, crocheting, making music. There's just something about physically making something. I think it's just putting the feeling of putting my heart and creativity into something tangible that gives me joy. It's an outlet.

This year I'm adding sewing to my list of hobbies. I recently made my sister (hopefully she doesn't read this blog) a set of baby blankets for her new little life that's coming in February. She's having a girl and naming it Lucy Olivia Smith. I can't wait to meet her... and I especially can't express how much I'll miss watching her grow up halfway across the country. But, at least I hope the blanket will be there with her. My love for my nieces and nephews is overwhelming. And since I don't get to see them much, I think I have to make stuff so that the love has somewhere to go when I'm so far away.

God has given me lots of children to invest in right here in Holland. And I strive to be as good of an adopted aunt as a real one for my brother and sister's children...but it's hard when they are sooooo far away. So, today I ask for God's grace as I miss my family.