Sleepless...

Today, I commit to refusing to be "just friends" with a guy. And it's hard. Sadly, I end up hurt when that happens. And I'm done with being hurt by things I can control. And I can control who gets my heart, my hurt, and my hopes.

"So, how are you going to meet guys?" you might be asking.

My honest answer? I have no idea. What I do know, however, is that my God is the same God who parted the red sea, sent the plagues, talked through a burning bush, provided manna every morning, and who led the Israelites with a cloud by day and fire by night. He created the heavens and the earth and declared them good. He forgave my sins through the divine plan of my savior Jesus Christ. My God is amazing. And He cares for my soul and knows my story. He's writing my story. Who am I to try and control his master plan?

I love Job 38, when God just puts Job in his place for question his plan. Job's all like, "I don't get it! Why?" And God's all like, "Job, were you there when I created the earth?" and shuts Job up. It's amazing.

Then the LORD(A) answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
2"Who is this that(B) darkens counsel by words without knowledge? 3
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
4"Where were you when I(E) laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
5Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
6On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
7when the morning stars(F) sang together
and all(G) the sons of God(H) shouted for joy?

8"Or who(I) shut in the sea with doors
when it burst out from the womb,
9when I made clouds its garment
and(J) thick darkness its swaddling band,
10and prescribed(K) limits for it
and set bars and doors,
11and said, 'Thus far shall you come, and no farther,
and here shall your(L) proud waves be stayed'?

12"Have you(M) commanded the morning since your days began,
and caused the dawn to know its place,
13that it might take hold of(N) the skirts of the earth,
and the wicked be(O) shaken out of it?
14It is changed like clay under the seal,
and its features stand out like a garment.
15From the wicked their(P) light is withheld,
and(Q) their uplifted arm is broken.

16"Have you(R) entered into the springs of the sea,
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17Have(S) the gates of death been revealed to you,
or have you seen the gates of(T) deep darkness?
18Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth?
Declare, if you know all this.

19"Where is the way to the dwelling of light,
and where is the place of darkness,
20that you may take it to its territory
and that you may discern(U) the paths to its home?
21You know, for(V) you were born then,
and the number of your days is great!

22"Have you entered(W) the storehouses of the snow,
or have you seen the storehouses of the hail,
23which I have reserved(X) for the time of trouble,
for the day of battle and war?
24What is the way to the place where the light is distributed,
or where the east wind is scattered upon the earth?

25"Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain
and(Y) a way for the thunderbolt,
26to bring rain on(Z) a land where no man is,
on(AA) the desert in which there is no man,
27to satisfy the waste and desolate land,
and to make the ground sprout with(AB) grass?

28"Has(AC) the rain a father,
or who has begotten the drops of dew?
29From whose womb did(AD) the ice come forth,
and who has given birth to the frost of heaven?
30The waters become hard like stone,
and the face of the deep is(AE) frozen.

31"Can you bind the chains of(AF) the Pleiades
or loose the cords of Orion?
32Can you lead forth the Mazzaroth[b] in their season,
or can you guide(AG) the Bear with its children?
33Do you know(AH) the ordinances of the heavens?
Can you establish their rule on the earth?

34"Can you lift up your voice to the clouds,
that(AI) a flood of waters may cover you?
35Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go
and say to you, 'Here we are'?
36Who has(AJ) put wisdom in(AK) the inward parts[c]
or given understanding to the mind?[d]
37Who can number the clouds by wisdom?
Or who can tilt the waterskins of the heavens,
38when the dust runs into a mass
and(AL) the clods stick fast together?

39"Can you hunt the prey for the lion,
or(AM) satisfy the appetite of the young lions,
40when they crouch in their(AN) dens
or lie in wait(AO) in their thicket?
41Who provides for(AP) the raven its prey,
when its young ones cry to God for help,
and wander about for lack of food?

I can try and take control all I want. I can try and manipulate a man into doing what I want, but how is God glorified in that? How is He truly magnified above all other gods? I am honored to be a part of God's magnificent story.

Independence and Dependence

Tonight was an adventure, but not the good kind. My faithful vehicle died in the drive-thru of our local Burger King tonight. Fortunately, my cousin was right behind me in the drive-thru and, with the kindness of a complete stranger, helped me push it out of the way.

I thought, perhaps that it had just run out of gas, as I had noticed it was getting quite low on my way. However, that wasn't the case. We went and got gas, and found that it was indeed just dead.

So, I called my car savvy friends, the Brink boys, and they came right over. Although they weren't able to get my car started, they were able to tow it themselves, which saved me a lot of money.

During the whole experience, while mortified, I couldn't believe how calm I stayed. That is, until they started towing my car. As I got in my cousin's truck, I started bawling. And not just the silent tears, real sobs. Pain, anger, and just plain frustration were creeping in again. I could feel them. And I'm so tired of feeling depleted of all my strength, just to hold on by finger nails to the sanity I have left.

And as I sit here, I am once again reminded of a song that we sang tonight - Blessed Be Your Name.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I know that I need to bless God's name despite the fact that I feeling like cursing it. Faith is not about my emotions, but rather truth. And I must speak to myself truth right now. God is good. God is to be trusted. And God is faithful. So I will continue to believe. I will stop hanging on by finger nails and give God my outstretched arms. I will run into His embrace, and let him carry me through.

Answers...

"Sometimes God wakes us up with a cold splash of water to the face called suffering. And we're not naturally inclined to go down that path."

I was given a Joni Eareckson Tada video to watch recently, and I re-watched it today. Such good stuff! She talked about her story, and her struggle with God in the midst of suffering, and although her story is of extreme suffering, I was amazed and awed by her ability to cling to Christ.

I had to remind myself to cling to God's promises, cling to his grace, because he provides the ultimate comfort I desire.

The past two weeks have been so hard, and I've been struggling to cling to Christ. I prayed for clear direction in the course of a relationship. The ambiguous friendship was playing with my emotions. And when they guy started dating someone else, I definitely didn't view that as a blessing, even though it was a clear answer to my prayer.

Although I'm realizing it's tough, I'm crying out to God instead of internalizing my anger, and I can slowly feel my perspective changing. Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse I cling to often. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I love the analogy of a "cold splash of water" because "suffering" really does wake you up.

While painful, I pray to be grateful. While weak, I pray for strength, and to come through it a stronger Christian and a better person.

I'm praying that for each of you who read this as well. May you be encouraged and strengthened today.

Not over it...

So, I thought I was over it. But I'm not.

Five years is a long time to like someone. To develop a friendship, and ultimately a crush. I don't know why I thought a week would be long enough to get back to normal. But, I'd been acting pretty well. Pretending, really.

I think, because if I pretended like everything was okay, then I wouldn't have to admit that I was really hurt. Crushed, pardon the pun.

So, while I feel like I've moved a little backwards in my recovery, I do know that I need to trust God and realize that each day will be a little better than the last.

It's like when I first started working out with my personal trainer this summer. That first workout was BRUTAL. After one hour with him, I felt really sick, and hurt in places I didn't know had muscles. But, I kept going back, day after day, until the pain dulled, and I didn't hurt anymore.

While this guy chose someone else, each day I have to see him, will be a little less painful. I have to trust God to carry me through, and comfort me. I just have to trust.

Countdown to 30...

In exactly three months, I will be 30. Thirty! I can hardly believe that my 20s will be nothing but memories, and something I'll refer to one day as late and early. Both parts of the decade were challenging for sure.

So, as I look forward to my 30 birthday, I wonder what it'll be like. Will I feel different? Will I suddenly be more mature? Will I suddenly listen to some music and deem it too loud or say "that hurts my ears, can you turn it down?" to teenagers. Let's hope not.

While I can believe that 30 is going to be here soon, I can say there's no place I'd rather celebrate the milestone than right here, with good friends, in a good church, with a good, stable job. But who knows, God likes to rock my boat quite a bit these days, so we'll where I actually am on the day.

As much as I feel God calling me away, I also feel a sense of belonging in this city, and it makes me want to stay. While there has been a lot of bad that's happened, there has been a proportionate amount of good. I have to remind myself of that a lot, because it's hard not to hold onto the hurts.

So, here's to 30. It will come, it will go, and I will say "Hey, remember that big birthday? Why was I so freaked out by that?" Hopefully.

Following Jesus...

I have been called. Called to follow Jesus, that is. And it scares me.

When I said the prayer to accept Christ as my savior when I was six years old, I had no idea that it would be such a messy path. Car accidents and broken bones, singleness and hurt hearts, family problems and shattered trust. Life is messy.

Now, on the cusp of a new adventure, I feel God is calling me. Where? I have no clue. But it's there, tugging at my heart.

I'm reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan right now. And it's hitting me where I need it. Like a personal trainer for my soul. It's telling me, God is to be revered. God is to be trusted. And God asks us to give him everything.

A verse in there struck me today.

"Suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with 10 thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."

Luke 14:31-33

That last part is heavy. Give up everything I have? What does that even look like? It's scary, but at the same time exciting. I want so badly to be there. To just be in complete communion with Christ. To be beautiful inside and out. To not be worried about the pain, the hurt, and just do what God asks.

So, I ask: What's stopping me?

A Saturday to Myself

I often wonder what to do with Saturdays with no plans. They just seem like they aren't getting me anywhere in life. After a late night last night with my cousins, I went home, stayed up even later, and then today, didn't get up until noon. Once I got up, I cleaned my kitchen, and put away some groceries I had gotten earlier in the week, and then put on some music, and sat.

And I realized that time alone is part of being single. It's time alone that I should learn to love, and crave. Not run from and avoid. But if being quiet and being at home is something I should enjoy, how come it's so hard not to focus on the fact that the reason my house is quiet is the fact that I am alone?

Questions I would love to know the answer to!

My goals for the next 5 years...

So, a friend of mine inspired me to stop sitting on my ass, pining away for the husband I may never haven and live my life. One of her suggestions was to make a list of goals, dreams, etc. of where I see myself in five years, and what I want to have accomplished by then.
Here's what I came up with:

• Bless someone with an anonymous gift.
• Go to Seattle, see the pacific ocean
• Live on the West Coast
• Start a thought-provoking blog (check!)
• Lose 50 lbs.
• Go on a missions trip to a foreign country (check!)
• Get a master's degree
• Buy a Digital SLR camera
• Make God my focus, finding a husband second
• Read through the Bible
• Have a dinner party for my married/dating friends
• Run/Walk in a 5k (in training! - Park 2 Park in September!)
• Buy a bike
• Volunteer at a woman's shelter
• Write/Start a book
• Make an afghan
• Go to New York City
• Write and article and get it published
• Become more organized
• Become more fiscally responsible
• Get a piano teaching certificate
• Witness to a total stranger (check!)
• Ride a roller coaster with my arms up
• Take one of the widows from church out to lunch (check!)
• Take an oil/acrylic painting class
• Take a dance class
• Go hiking in Colorado
• Conquer fear of heights (check!)
• Get a dog
• Attempt to complete this list.
  
• Never forget that God loved me first, and will love me despite the fact that let him down and get distracted.

There are a million reasons why I want to do this list, but the first is that I had built up a relationship with a guy in my head. For five years. For five years, I didn't let my life move past a certain point until this past week when God sent me a wake-up call. The guy started dating someone else.

Many tears, a lot of anger - at God, myself, and others - followed. How could this have happened? Didn't God see that this hurt? Couldn't he see my pain?

I was not only devastated, I felt cheated. Cheated out of time, feelings, energy, and most of all emotions that should be reserved by a God who will always pursue me, and will always return the love I have for him, no matter what.

So, my life will change. For the better. I will choose to live my life to the fullest, and as God intended it.

The plan...

I'm convinced that single women can sometimes feel stuck in life.
In the virtual playground of your world, sometimes you feel like the last one picked for all of the good teams.
No one's picked you for marriage. Last. Your friends are all married and have their spouses as their best friends. Last. You're the sibling who hasn't married, and thus can't provide grand children. Last.
At least that's how I feel sometimes. While I"m not bringing that up to throw a pity party for myself, I'm just making a point that life as a single woman is hard to navigate.
So, to get myself out of this rut, I'm making a goal. While I'm perfectly comfortable in my life as it is, in one year I'm taking an adventure. I'm putting out there for all the world to see, that the next year will be to seek God and trust him in the next step part of my life. This next chapter.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I'll be. But in one year, I will be somewhere different.
I know that the saying is that "human's make plans, and God laughs," so I realize that this is a human deadline, and the actual date may change. But as I seek God, and seek His heart, I plan on seeing a change not only in how I view life, but also how I see my world.
So, you can join me. Or not. Or just live vicariously through me. I don't care. But just know that we're going to see some fun adventures along the way!