This last week has been an amazing week. It has been very busy at work, and my house is no where near clean enough for the company I have coming over on Saturday morning, but it has been an amazing week. And I will tell you why...I started praying again.
I don't know why now, or how it started, but this past week, has just been great in getting to know my heavenly father.
I've been studying a lot about forgiveness lately, and I think, even though I did not want to admit it, I was blaming my singleness on God. Blaming Him for not giving me what I want, and giving him the cold shoulder as I wallowed in my self-pity.
I wish I could say exactly what changed, but I think through talking to God so much this week, we finally got things worked out. I never realized that talking to God again could be so great, or so lovely. Slowly, this relationship is building again as I cry out in my moments of need, and on the behalf of those I love around me, and give glory to our heavenly Father.
The only analogy for what has happened in the last week was a conversation I had last week with my sister. For so long, our conversations by phone have been the obligatory niceties that come when your live so far apart. You talk about your job, your parents, and the kids, but never get to the heart of the matter. Well, we decided to farther in that conversation that we had in awhile, and ended up yelling at each other for a good five minutes at each other. The conversation was heated, but it was probably the most honest conversation we've had in a long time. It was what it took to clear the air.
I think, this last week, that I just "cleared the air," so to speak with God. We had some honest, frank discussions, and once I was honest with Him, we could move on.
It feels so good to be moving forward with God again. I can honestly say that when I started this blog a year ago, I thought I'd be living in a different part of the US by now, that I'd be married, that my life would be different somehow.
Well, I am different and my life is different. I'm just a different person on the inside, living in the same place, working the same job. There's something to be said for internal transformation. It definitely makes you look at the "same old" in a new and different light.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Can't see God for my trees...
I love God. I want to follow him with my whole heart. I want to see His view for my life. I want Him to be the center. If only I could see Him through my trees.
Monday was a hard day. My back was spasming, I was on pain killers and muscle relaxers, I had a really busy day at work, and then on top of all that I was supposed to go to Bible study, and play in front of people.
Then, on Tuesday, I was a wreck at work, really wrestling through what my life looked like exactly. Why am I doing all that I am? What is the purpose of putting myself through all the relationships that I do, just in hopes of having what I think is right? I was at that point in my road where I can either choose to believe God, and trust even through all the hard stuff, or reject Him completely.
However, even though I had no idea, God had a plan to set me back on track. I hadn't listened to any sermons online in awhile, so I thought I would look up one from my former Pastor, Mark Vroegop, who was called away to Indianapolis a couple years ago.
These words were exactly what I needed at the moment:
“Unbelief often takes roots in our hearts when we think we’ve got a better plan than God. And the problem is that we can not only be guilty of unbelief; we will miss the wonderful things that God is up to. We can’t see the spiritual forest because it is missing a few of our trees!”
If it were up to me, I'd be married, maybe have a few kids, and own a home with a white picket fence. But, God has other plans for my life. Those expectations of a great life with a family are my trees. I fight and wrestle with God so often about them. While I am wrestling with God, I often miss what is right there before me. A beautiful forest God has created before me, full of life and relationships that may have never had if I were married. An opportunity to travel, to serve God freely. To bear fruit, not through family, but through relationships.
Yes, I admit, the loneliness does not go away. I am still longing for the day when I will be married. When I will be able to experience this life with another person by my side. I still believe whole-heartedly that God will grant me the desires of my heart. But now, that tree of desire is just a part of the whole- not getting in the way of my view.
Monday was a hard day. My back was spasming, I was on pain killers and muscle relaxers, I had a really busy day at work, and then on top of all that I was supposed to go to Bible study, and play in front of people.
Then, on Tuesday, I was a wreck at work, really wrestling through what my life looked like exactly. Why am I doing all that I am? What is the purpose of putting myself through all the relationships that I do, just in hopes of having what I think is right? I was at that point in my road where I can either choose to believe God, and trust even through all the hard stuff, or reject Him completely.
However, even though I had no idea, God had a plan to set me back on track. I hadn't listened to any sermons online in awhile, so I thought I would look up one from my former Pastor, Mark Vroegop, who was called away to Indianapolis a couple years ago.
These words were exactly what I needed at the moment:
“Unbelief often takes roots in our hearts when we think we’ve got a better plan than God. And the problem is that we can not only be guilty of unbelief; we will miss the wonderful things that God is up to. We can’t see the spiritual forest because it is missing a few of our trees!”
If it were up to me, I'd be married, maybe have a few kids, and own a home with a white picket fence. But, God has other plans for my life. Those expectations of a great life with a family are my trees. I fight and wrestle with God so often about them. While I am wrestling with God, I often miss what is right there before me. A beautiful forest God has created before me, full of life and relationships that may have never had if I were married. An opportunity to travel, to serve God freely. To bear fruit, not through family, but through relationships.
Yes, I admit, the loneliness does not go away. I am still longing for the day when I will be married. When I will be able to experience this life with another person by my side. I still believe whole-heartedly that God will grant me the desires of my heart. But now, that tree of desire is just a part of the whole- not getting in the way of my view.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)