Can't see God for my trees...

I love God. I want to follow him with my whole heart. I want to see His view for my life. I want Him to be the center. If only I could see Him through my trees.
Monday was a hard day. My back was spasming, I was on pain killers and muscle relaxers, I had a really busy day at work, and then on top of all that I was supposed to go to Bible study, and play in front of people.
Then, on Tuesday, I was a wreck at work, really wrestling through what my life looked like exactly. Why am I doing all that I am? What is the purpose of putting myself through all the relationships that I do, just in hopes of having what I think is right? I was at that point in my road where I can either choose to believe God, and trust even through all the hard stuff, or reject Him completely.
However, even though I had no idea, God had a plan to set me back on track. I hadn't listened to any sermons online in awhile, so I thought I would look up one from my former Pastor, Mark Vroegop, who was called away to Indianapolis a couple years ago.
These words were exactly what I needed at the moment:


“Unbelief often takes roots in our hearts when we think we’ve got a better plan than God. And the problem is that we can not only be guilty of unbelief; we will miss the wonderful things that God is up to. We can’t see the spiritual forest because it is missing a few of our trees!”


If it were up to me, I'd be married, maybe have a few kids, and own a home with a white picket fence. But, God has other plans for my life. Those expectations of a great life with a family are my trees. I fight and wrestle with God so often about them. While I am wrestling with God, I often miss what is right there before me. A beautiful forest God has created before me, full of life and relationships that may have never had if I were married. An opportunity to travel, to serve God freely. To bear fruit, not through family, but through relationships. 
Yes, I admit, the loneliness does not go away. I am still longing for the day when I will be married. When I will be able to experience this life with another person by my side. I still believe whole-heartedly that God will grant me the desires of my heart. But now, that tree of desire is just a part of the whole- not getting in the way of my view. 

It's just not that easy...

So, at work, one of pastors asked me to pull some data for him of all the single guys at our church. A simple task, but when I gave it to him, he joked with me about trying to find me a husband. I laughed, but replied, "you're not going to find it in there." He laughed, and said "you're pretty emphatic about that." And while I may have seemed a little harsh, I couldn't help but think how little he understands about being single, 30, and in a smaller church like ours. Like, finding a husband is as easy as picking a name off a list? Or I haven't been looking since I began going to Calvary six years ago? Not so.
I have been looking. I have put myself out there. I've been trying. And I've been hurt, rejected, and I'm still alone. So, when I say you won't find it in that list, I'm serious. There's nothing there for me.

Ruth and Sarah...

Sarah and Ruth. Both people in the Bible who had their lives totally turned upside down by circumstances they would have never predicted. Sarah, the wife of Abraham, had her life changed when her husband was suddenly called by God to leave their land and go on a mission in the dessert and ultimately become the father of the Jewish nation.
As I think about Sarah, with no children, and thinking her time was past to have children, laughing at God in disbelief, it totally resonates with where I am in life right now. At times, I'm in total unbelief that God has someone out there for me, who is ready to love me, and share life with me. I don't see it. I've been alone a long time. For the past six years I've lived alone. I've taken care of me, and only me. I've become this independent woman, capable of taking care of herself. While I see God at work in my life, I don't see where God's going to allow someone else to enter.
Sarah was the same way. She didn't see how God was going to fit a baby into her life. She was settled in as a woman without children. She had a life set for herself. She and Abraham were getting along just fine. Even though God had promised that Abraham's ancestors were going to become a great nation, they never knew how it was going to ultimately work out.
Abraham's faith never waivered, while Sarah's did. I'm like Sarah. My faith waivers often when I think about how God's going to provide a husband. I look around at the guys in my circle of friends, and I just think..."How, God?" Quality guys, but none for me.
And then I think of Ruth. In a new place, in new surroundings, taking care of Naomi. And she was alone, trying to provide for her and her mother-in-law. Totally sufficient, but lacking a husband, someone to share life with. And God provided, in some of the most unexpected ways.
I'm not sure how this story ends. God keeps writing it day by day. Hour by hour. Tear by frustrated tear. Some days I feel like Sarah, and other days I feel like Ruth. All days I feel alone.

Praying for a husband...

Candice Watter's book Get Married: What Women Can Do To Help It Happen. Yes, I know that's a cheesy title, but what it has really helped me do is to pray for a husband. To pray boldly that God will provide a husband. I've also enlisted a prayer partner, to help me realize that I am not the only person in the situation, nor will I be the last. Today, I prayed for her the following:

I pray and ask the God almighty to answer our prayers for godly men who love to serve God, to fall in love with us, and that we will be ready for it to happen. :-) I pray that we will not have any doubts when we meet the right people, and even though we find wonderful men, that our focus will first and foremost be on the God who created us and loves us. I pray that they will be handsome, good providers, and will treat us well. I pray that we will find them soon, and that God's timing will be perfect. I pray that while we are waiting that God will become real in powerful ways. I pray for opportunities to meet quality men. While we worship in a church that doesn't have many single men, that God would give us places and people to meet people, and develop friendships that will turn into relationships. I pray that we will marry our best friends. And lastly, I just pray for someone who thinks we are beautiful, inside and out.

So, that's my thought for today. Prayer is powerful, and we need to be praying to God fervently to ask Him to work on our behalf.

Getting off course...

Yesterday, I wrote about distraction, and I just wanted to elaborate on that today. God has been using seemingly innocent things in my life to distract me from His purpose, and last night I just felt called to recommit to going ahead and serving Him without those distractions.
I think what was a real turning point yesterday, and for how my life has gone lately was an article in The Holland Sentinel yesterday about a teacher who was a pastor at a church, and with simply choosing to love His addiction more than he loved God, lost everything. He is going through a "storm" as the pastor in the article states. 
I can't help but just feel deeply for the family that must be embarrassed, shaken, hurting at this moment. I would never wish that pain on anyone.
In my head, over and over, the words "your sins will find you out," keep running through my head.
How many things do we do in secret. How many impure thoughts do we have each day that we just brush off as innocent? How many times do we do something, and think that no one will ever know? This just reminds me of the diligence living a pure and holy life requires. Our actions originate in our thoughts. Our thoughts breed actions. And our actions breed consequences.

Prepared?

I struggle to write this post, because my mind is so full of questions from things I've heard over the last few days, I can't even begin to put them into words.
1) I went to Bible study last night, and was faced with a message about following God's call for my life, and getting rid of the distractions. I will admit, this road to follow God's plan for my life the last year has not been without its fair share of distractions. Boys. Stress. You name it, it's happened. The message made me realize that I need to "stop seeking God's will for my life and start seeking God." That quote made me think. I've been making all these grand plans, and have kinda consulted God, but not really. And ever since things got crazy at work in January, my relationship with God has definitely suffered.

2) Pastor Trent told me to watch a video, and it would change my life. I'm telling all my blog readers the same. I have a friend Erinn who has been suffering through infertility. I've had my fair share of bad things happen in my life in the last five years. But I was never as public, and as transparent about them as Erinn and her husband Kevin. Her emails are inspiring and give me hope. She and Kevin are suffering well.
This video that I'm posting below is a view of suffering well, and all the understanding about Jesus that goes along with it. When I was done watching it, I just sat in my chair, and cried out for the Lord to heal this man. He has the faith I want.
Please watch.

T4G 2010 -- Session 8 -- Matt Chandler from Together for the Gospel (T4G) on Vimeo.

God is so generous...

Sometimes we forget how much we are truly given. We have cars to drive, we have food to eat, we have clothes to wear, and we are rich. So often, I truly forget how much I have, and how much I've been given.

I've been reading this book, Mao's Last Dancer, and I was appalled at the poverty communism caused in China. People had no food, people had no money, and people died because the government took over their lives, and they had no power to go against it.

As I was handing in my support for my upcoming Jamaica trip, I was amazed by how generous my family, friends and church family has been over these last few months as I was raising support. In just a few short months, I have raised all the support I need to take this trip. People gave generously, and showed their support for what I'm doing, and for what God has been doing in my life recently. And as I sat down to write thank you cards for those who gave to my trip, I was humbled at the amount I had to write. All these people want to see God's kingdom furthered through me and this trip! Talk about pressure!

Their ability to give, and this book I'm reading I'm sure is no coincidence. God wanted to show me how much we have. To show me that He has given us everything we need.