My first Christmas dinner...

This year I thought I'd try something new for Christmas. I cooked. Christmas dinner. All of it. From turkey to sweet potatoes to green bean casserole, it was all me. Although, my mom did make the stuffing, and a rockin' pecan pie, (I just ate the last piece tonight!) I definitely was busy in the kitchen.
For someone who usually only cooks for one person, this was quite the task!
I have to say I enjoyed the cooking. And the internet is a GREAT resource for recipes. I'll have to post the recipe for the sweet potato casserole. It was by far the best thing on the menu.
It was a quiet Christmas for my family. My brother and sister both didn't come home this Christmas, and since I just flew to see my brother for Thanksgiving, traveling was out for this holiday. So, staying home with the parents it was.
I think cooking definitely made me miss my family a little bit less. It kept me focused a little bit less on the day, and more on the task at hand.
My parents were fun, and we ended the day with a movie at the theater. Not bad for a day I was dreading without the family. And it was 100 percent better than last Christmas, which was horrible because I had the stomach flu. Christmas stinks when you're sick, that's all I have to say.

How I thought my life would be different...

As I look back at the last almost 30 years of my life, I can honestly say I never thought I'd be exactly where I am today. Things are turning out much different than I imagined them.

First of all, I never thought I'd be turning thirty, and not be married, let alone never having a serious relationship.

I know it's becoming more common today. I've read several articles and books telling me that women this day and age are marrying and having children later in life. While I'm reading this is normal...I definitely feel a sense of abnormality in my life. Things are just out of order. All my ducks are not in a row .

I don't know what my next step should be, because the stairway I had built for my life has ended.

When did I get so bitter?!?

Lately I've been really struggling with being single. There are a lot of factors, and one of them is that I'm turning 30 around one of the most depressing times in life for a single woman: the holidays.

I realize I should be grateful for where I'm at in life. I'm losing weight, I have a lot of great friends, and a great job. And I can't figure out why I'm not content in that. Why I can't just have that and just live my life. Why do I want better? Why do I want more? What am I really longing for?

I've been dreading my 30th birthday. I know it's going to be a hard day, and I would really like it to be memorable and special. I would like it to be day completely about me - from start to finish. I just wish I could keep myself from having unrealistic expectations for the day.

In reality...my birthday falls around one of the busiest times of year. My family lives far away, and they all work in ministry. I work and am needed all day in the office that day. All these are things that won't change, despite the fact that I long for them to. That's life. That's reality. That's not going to change.

I'm praying God will helping me through this birthday. That his grace will be sufficient for me as I turn 30. God knows my pain. He knows that I'm special, and he gave me my day of celebration when he died on the cross. Now I just need to get that into my head.

Making...stuff...

I have good memories of my mother sewing. Making things has always been a part of my life. I love knitting, crocheting, making music. There's just something about physically making something. I think it's just putting the feeling of putting my heart and creativity into something tangible that gives me joy. It's an outlet.

This year I'm adding sewing to my list of hobbies. I recently made my sister (hopefully she doesn't read this blog) a set of baby blankets for her new little life that's coming in February. She's having a girl and naming it Lucy Olivia Smith. I can't wait to meet her... and I especially can't express how much I'll miss watching her grow up halfway across the country. But, at least I hope the blanket will be there with her. My love for my nieces and nephews is overwhelming. And since I don't get to see them much, I think I have to make stuff so that the love has somewhere to go when I'm so far away.

God has given me lots of children to invest in right here in Holland. And I strive to be as good of an adopted aunt as a real one for my brother and sister's children...but it's hard when they are sooooo far away. So, today I ask for God's grace as I miss my family.

I want to be married

I can't tell you how much I dream of one day being married. It preoccupies my thoughts, and the desire runs deep. Soul deep.
While I have known for so long that that was a desire in my life, I was fearful of admitting it. There are many reasons I didn't want to say those words - "I want to be married," - but, here are just a few.

1. I didn't want to appear weak in my single season.
2. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened for me.
3. I didn't want to appear desperate.
   

I've been reading a new book, "Get Married: What women can do to help it happen," by Candice Watters. I can't say how much I am enjoying it so far. And it's not because it tells me that I can "act" on pursuing a guy, but just that encourages me to openly admit that I want marriage, and that pursuing that dream is a noble act. Wanting marriage is not something to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong or weak about that pursuit. God designed us to be married. He gave Adam a wife. He gave him an Eve.

So, I blog today to say that I want to be married. And while I will not pursue men, I will pursue being a woman who is marriage-minded, enlisting the support of friends and family who also want to see that in my life.

Take this desire, Lord...

Tonight, I went to a woman's conference at my church, and listened to a message by John Piper about not being a wimpy woman with wimpy theology. As much as I agree with him about having a clear idea as my role as a woman, I struggled with his view of singleness.

He gave three clear reasons why single women are called to a purpose. A calling, really. And while I understand that being called to being single is truly a path chosen for some people, I couldn't help but just feel a knot in my throat as he spoke.

My thoughts went to all my dreams and desires to be married I've had since I was a little girl. I remember having my wedding planned at age 8. My dream wedding dress picked out by the time I was 13. I know the flowers, the time of year, the place.

It's hard - so hard - to give up those plans and dreams for my future. As far as I know, God may have this single season be permanent, and that's a hard reality to accept, let alone embrace.

So, I ask God to please, please take away this overwhelming desire to be married, to have a family, to have a husband. Because hoping hurts. Having this feeling in my life that something is missing brings me to tears.

I don't understand the single season, or the reasons behind it, and why God gave me a desire for marriage. But, I know that God chose this for my life. He knew my future before I was even conceived. I do know that I believe in a sovereign God, and that's all that matters.

Lunch with a friend...

So, I've been meaning to write about this all week, but time has gotten away from me. I think I've had one of the busiest weeks I've had in awhile.

But, last week, I took one of the widows from church out to lunch, and wow, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I thought I would be blessing her, but she equally blessed me.

As a former newspaper reporter, I have a naturally curious nature. Sometimes that's an asset, but sometimes it gets me in trouble. However, when you're having lunch with a person you don't know very well, it can be a blessing.

I'm a firm believer that everyone has a story. And from that story, written through hardships, through joys, through life, you can learn powerful lessons. While she told me her story, I was able to soak in the her knowledge and wisdom, and learned the importance of forgiveness, and the importance of church family.

While this was an item on my list, I hope it will not be a one-time meeting. I hope that this will be a start of a friendship.

Oh ye of little faith...

Sometimes, I forget how truly amazing my God is. In fact, amazing doesn't even seem to be the right adjective to use. My God is a provider. He comes through even when I feel I have the situation under control.

Today I found out the cost of my car repair - almost $600 - is being covered. I don't want to say how or who, but I know ultimately it's a gift from God.

When I found out, my jaw dropped, and I was completely speechless. For those of you who know me personally, that doesn't happen very often.

I don't try to figure God out often. In fact, I probably shouldn't ever, but I wonder if this was God telling me that while I desire a husband and companionship, he IS my companion. I'm not walking through this life alone. I'm not walking through car repairs alone. I'm not walking through being stranded in a Burger King drive-thru alone. He's there.

Sometimes, faith and grace are so hard to understand because they're such abstract concepts in the realm of God's love. But today, God made them a little more tangible for me. I only hope that I will personally be able to make a gift that's equally tangible to someone else weak in faith someday.

My faith in God was strengthened today, and I learned a little more the meaning of grace.

Sleepless...

Today, I commit to refusing to be "just friends" with a guy. And it's hard. Sadly, I end up hurt when that happens. And I'm done with being hurt by things I can control. And I can control who gets my heart, my hurt, and my hopes.

"So, how are you going to meet guys?" you might be asking.

My honest answer? I have no idea. What I do know, however, is that my God is the same God who parted the red sea, sent the plagues, talked through a burning bush, provided manna every morning, and who led the Israelites with a cloud by day and fire by night. He created the heavens and the earth and declared them good. He forgave my sins through the divine plan of my savior Jesus Christ. My God is amazing. And He cares for my soul and knows my story. He's writing my story. Who am I to try and control his master plan?

I love Job 38, when God just puts Job in his place for question his plan. Job's all like, "I don't get it! Why?" And God's all like, "Job, were you there when I created the earth?" and shuts Job up. It's amazing.

Then the LORD(A) answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
2"Who is this that(B) darkens counsel by words without knowledge? 3
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
4"Where were you when I(E) laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
5Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
6On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
7when the morning stars(F) sang together
and all(G) the sons of God(H) shouted for joy?

8"Or who(I) shut in the sea with doors
when it burst out from the womb,
9when I made clouds its garment
and(J) thick darkness its swaddling band,
10and prescribed(K) limits for it
and set bars and doors,
11and said, 'Thus far shall you come, and no farther,
and here shall your(L) proud waves be stayed'?

12"Have you(M) commanded the morning since your days began,
and caused the dawn to know its place,
13that it might take hold of(N) the skirts of the earth,
and the wicked be(O) shaken out of it?
14It is changed like clay under the seal,
and its features stand out like a garment.
15From the wicked their(P) light is withheld,
and(Q) their uplifted arm is broken.

16"Have you(R) entered into the springs of the sea,
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17Have(S) the gates of death been revealed to you,
or have you seen the gates of(T) deep darkness?
18Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth?
Declare, if you know all this.

19"Where is the way to the dwelling of light,
and where is the place of darkness,
20that you may take it to its territory
and that you may discern(U) the paths to its home?
21You know, for(V) you were born then,
and the number of your days is great!

22"Have you entered(W) the storehouses of the snow,
or have you seen the storehouses of the hail,
23which I have reserved(X) for the time of trouble,
for the day of battle and war?
24What is the way to the place where the light is distributed,
or where the east wind is scattered upon the earth?

25"Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain
and(Y) a way for the thunderbolt,
26to bring rain on(Z) a land where no man is,
on(AA) the desert in which there is no man,
27to satisfy the waste and desolate land,
and to make the ground sprout with(AB) grass?

28"Has(AC) the rain a father,
or who has begotten the drops of dew?
29From whose womb did(AD) the ice come forth,
and who has given birth to the frost of heaven?
30The waters become hard like stone,
and the face of the deep is(AE) frozen.

31"Can you bind the chains of(AF) the Pleiades
or loose the cords of Orion?
32Can you lead forth the Mazzaroth[b] in their season,
or can you guide(AG) the Bear with its children?
33Do you know(AH) the ordinances of the heavens?
Can you establish their rule on the earth?

34"Can you lift up your voice to the clouds,
that(AI) a flood of waters may cover you?
35Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go
and say to you, 'Here we are'?
36Who has(AJ) put wisdom in(AK) the inward parts[c]
or given understanding to the mind?[d]
37Who can number the clouds by wisdom?
Or who can tilt the waterskins of the heavens,
38when the dust runs into a mass
and(AL) the clods stick fast together?

39"Can you hunt the prey for the lion,
or(AM) satisfy the appetite of the young lions,
40when they crouch in their(AN) dens
or lie in wait(AO) in their thicket?
41Who provides for(AP) the raven its prey,
when its young ones cry to God for help,
and wander about for lack of food?

I can try and take control all I want. I can try and manipulate a man into doing what I want, but how is God glorified in that? How is He truly magnified above all other gods? I am honored to be a part of God's magnificent story.

Independence and Dependence

Tonight was an adventure, but not the good kind. My faithful vehicle died in the drive-thru of our local Burger King tonight. Fortunately, my cousin was right behind me in the drive-thru and, with the kindness of a complete stranger, helped me push it out of the way.

I thought, perhaps that it had just run out of gas, as I had noticed it was getting quite low on my way. However, that wasn't the case. We went and got gas, and found that it was indeed just dead.

So, I called my car savvy friends, the Brink boys, and they came right over. Although they weren't able to get my car started, they were able to tow it themselves, which saved me a lot of money.

During the whole experience, while mortified, I couldn't believe how calm I stayed. That is, until they started towing my car. As I got in my cousin's truck, I started bawling. And not just the silent tears, real sobs. Pain, anger, and just plain frustration were creeping in again. I could feel them. And I'm so tired of feeling depleted of all my strength, just to hold on by finger nails to the sanity I have left.

And as I sit here, I am once again reminded of a song that we sang tonight - Blessed Be Your Name.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I know that I need to bless God's name despite the fact that I feeling like cursing it. Faith is not about my emotions, but rather truth. And I must speak to myself truth right now. God is good. God is to be trusted. And God is faithful. So I will continue to believe. I will stop hanging on by finger nails and give God my outstretched arms. I will run into His embrace, and let him carry me through.

Answers...

"Sometimes God wakes us up with a cold splash of water to the face called suffering. And we're not naturally inclined to go down that path."

I was given a Joni Eareckson Tada video to watch recently, and I re-watched it today. Such good stuff! She talked about her story, and her struggle with God in the midst of suffering, and although her story is of extreme suffering, I was amazed and awed by her ability to cling to Christ.

I had to remind myself to cling to God's promises, cling to his grace, because he provides the ultimate comfort I desire.

The past two weeks have been so hard, and I've been struggling to cling to Christ. I prayed for clear direction in the course of a relationship. The ambiguous friendship was playing with my emotions. And when they guy started dating someone else, I definitely didn't view that as a blessing, even though it was a clear answer to my prayer.

Although I'm realizing it's tough, I'm crying out to God instead of internalizing my anger, and I can slowly feel my perspective changing. Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse I cling to often. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I love the analogy of a "cold splash of water" because "suffering" really does wake you up.

While painful, I pray to be grateful. While weak, I pray for strength, and to come through it a stronger Christian and a better person.

I'm praying that for each of you who read this as well. May you be encouraged and strengthened today.

Not over it...

So, I thought I was over it. But I'm not.

Five years is a long time to like someone. To develop a friendship, and ultimately a crush. I don't know why I thought a week would be long enough to get back to normal. But, I'd been acting pretty well. Pretending, really.

I think, because if I pretended like everything was okay, then I wouldn't have to admit that I was really hurt. Crushed, pardon the pun.

So, while I feel like I've moved a little backwards in my recovery, I do know that I need to trust God and realize that each day will be a little better than the last.

It's like when I first started working out with my personal trainer this summer. That first workout was BRUTAL. After one hour with him, I felt really sick, and hurt in places I didn't know had muscles. But, I kept going back, day after day, until the pain dulled, and I didn't hurt anymore.

While this guy chose someone else, each day I have to see him, will be a little less painful. I have to trust God to carry me through, and comfort me. I just have to trust.

Countdown to 30...

In exactly three months, I will be 30. Thirty! I can hardly believe that my 20s will be nothing but memories, and something I'll refer to one day as late and early. Both parts of the decade were challenging for sure.

So, as I look forward to my 30 birthday, I wonder what it'll be like. Will I feel different? Will I suddenly be more mature? Will I suddenly listen to some music and deem it too loud or say "that hurts my ears, can you turn it down?" to teenagers. Let's hope not.

While I can believe that 30 is going to be here soon, I can say there's no place I'd rather celebrate the milestone than right here, with good friends, in a good church, with a good, stable job. But who knows, God likes to rock my boat quite a bit these days, so we'll where I actually am on the day.

As much as I feel God calling me away, I also feel a sense of belonging in this city, and it makes me want to stay. While there has been a lot of bad that's happened, there has been a proportionate amount of good. I have to remind myself of that a lot, because it's hard not to hold onto the hurts.

So, here's to 30. It will come, it will go, and I will say "Hey, remember that big birthday? Why was I so freaked out by that?" Hopefully.

Following Jesus...

I have been called. Called to follow Jesus, that is. And it scares me.

When I said the prayer to accept Christ as my savior when I was six years old, I had no idea that it would be such a messy path. Car accidents and broken bones, singleness and hurt hearts, family problems and shattered trust. Life is messy.

Now, on the cusp of a new adventure, I feel God is calling me. Where? I have no clue. But it's there, tugging at my heart.

I'm reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan right now. And it's hitting me where I need it. Like a personal trainer for my soul. It's telling me, God is to be revered. God is to be trusted. And God asks us to give him everything.

A verse in there struck me today.

"Suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with 10 thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."

Luke 14:31-33

That last part is heavy. Give up everything I have? What does that even look like? It's scary, but at the same time exciting. I want so badly to be there. To just be in complete communion with Christ. To be beautiful inside and out. To not be worried about the pain, the hurt, and just do what God asks.

So, I ask: What's stopping me?

A Saturday to Myself

I often wonder what to do with Saturdays with no plans. They just seem like they aren't getting me anywhere in life. After a late night last night with my cousins, I went home, stayed up even later, and then today, didn't get up until noon. Once I got up, I cleaned my kitchen, and put away some groceries I had gotten earlier in the week, and then put on some music, and sat.

And I realized that time alone is part of being single. It's time alone that I should learn to love, and crave. Not run from and avoid. But if being quiet and being at home is something I should enjoy, how come it's so hard not to focus on the fact that the reason my house is quiet is the fact that I am alone?

Questions I would love to know the answer to!

My goals for the next 5 years...

So, a friend of mine inspired me to stop sitting on my ass, pining away for the husband I may never haven and live my life. One of her suggestions was to make a list of goals, dreams, etc. of where I see myself in five years, and what I want to have accomplished by then.
Here's what I came up with:

• Bless someone with an anonymous gift.
• Go to Seattle, see the pacific ocean
• Live on the West Coast
• Start a thought-provoking blog (check!)
• Lose 50 lbs.
• Go on a missions trip to a foreign country (check!)
• Get a master's degree
• Buy a Digital SLR camera
• Make God my focus, finding a husband second
• Read through the Bible
• Have a dinner party for my married/dating friends
• Run/Walk in a 5k (in training! - Park 2 Park in September!)
• Buy a bike
• Volunteer at a woman's shelter
• Write/Start a book
• Make an afghan
• Go to New York City
• Write and article and get it published
• Become more organized
• Become more fiscally responsible
• Get a piano teaching certificate
• Witness to a total stranger (check!)
• Ride a roller coaster with my arms up
• Take one of the widows from church out to lunch (check!)
• Take an oil/acrylic painting class
• Take a dance class
• Go hiking in Colorado
• Conquer fear of heights (check!)
• Get a dog
• Attempt to complete this list.
  
• Never forget that God loved me first, and will love me despite the fact that let him down and get distracted.

There are a million reasons why I want to do this list, but the first is that I had built up a relationship with a guy in my head. For five years. For five years, I didn't let my life move past a certain point until this past week when God sent me a wake-up call. The guy started dating someone else.

Many tears, a lot of anger - at God, myself, and others - followed. How could this have happened? Didn't God see that this hurt? Couldn't he see my pain?

I was not only devastated, I felt cheated. Cheated out of time, feelings, energy, and most of all emotions that should be reserved by a God who will always pursue me, and will always return the love I have for him, no matter what.

So, my life will change. For the better. I will choose to live my life to the fullest, and as God intended it.

The plan...

I'm convinced that single women can sometimes feel stuck in life.
In the virtual playground of your world, sometimes you feel like the last one picked for all of the good teams.
No one's picked you for marriage. Last. Your friends are all married and have their spouses as their best friends. Last. You're the sibling who hasn't married, and thus can't provide grand children. Last.
At least that's how I feel sometimes. While I"m not bringing that up to throw a pity party for myself, I'm just making a point that life as a single woman is hard to navigate.
So, to get myself out of this rut, I'm making a goal. While I'm perfectly comfortable in my life as it is, in one year I'm taking an adventure. I'm putting out there for all the world to see, that the next year will be to seek God and trust him in the next step part of my life. This next chapter.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I'll be. But in one year, I will be somewhere different.
I know that the saying is that "human's make plans, and God laughs," so I realize that this is a human deadline, and the actual date may change. But as I seek God, and seek His heart, I plan on seeing a change not only in how I view life, but also how I see my world.
So, you can join me. Or not. Or just live vicariously through me. I don't care. But just know that we're going to see some fun adventures along the way!