New and interesting facts about myself...

I really didn't have an idea for this post, so I thought I'd just bullet point some recent happenings in my life.

• I recently started taking guitar lessons. Did you know that learning guitar hurts? Literally. I have nasty calluses on my left hand fingers. So far, I've learned five songs and three strum patterns. I'm a rock star.

• My sister came home for Christmas with her husband and two kids. My nephew, Sawyer, loves cars, and has seen it too many times to count. He has like seven cars from the movie, and when you watch the movie, you have to watch through the credits to the "real end" of the movie. He's smart and his smile can melt your heart. My niece, Lucy, instantly warmed up to me, and is amazingly cute. Especially when she's saying mamamamama and dadadadada over and over again. *sigh* I think a trip to Kansas is in order for the Spring. I just don't see these kids enough.

• I turned 31 December 22. I had the best birthday. I got birthday cards at work. Birthday cards in the mail. That night, all my friends gathered to have a birthday dinner with me at 84 East. We ate great food, reminisced about old times, and had so much fun. I couldn't help but spend the whole night smiling. I've been missing my friends who are married, and that night was a great way to reconnect with them. They are fun, they care about me, and they really helped make my night very special.

 

• I am looking at going back to school for Web Development/Design. I've really wanted to go back to school for a really long time, and it looks like it might happen soon! Just waiting to see which program works the best with my schedule and budget. I'm really excited about it, but also really nervous. So many things to do...and it might take me forever. However, I'm excited about going back to school, and actually getting a degree in something I'm really interested in and will use in my job. 

So, that's what's been going on with me. So much going on! I love being busy, but hate not being able to keep up with blogging about it all!!!

Happy Thanksgiving...

I'll preface this post with the fact that my family on my mom's side is from middle-of-nowhere Michigan, where most people either work in car factories or are farmers. My Grandpa, for example, did both. They're good, hard-working people, and they like things simple. I love my roots, and I think that they gave me a good start in life. However, after living where I've lived for the last 10 years, I just find it humorous that this was the "nice" (read: only place open) place to go for Thanksgiving in middle-of-nowhere Michigan. 

 This year's Thanksgiving resembled a really bad wedding reception. You know the kind, where you don't really know anyone at your table, the reception hall is crowded, has bad lighting, and the music, well, it doesn't even deserve to be called that, so we'll call it muzak. You get the picture. Actually I wish I had taken pictures. But, I didn't want to offend the relatives.

I'll start with the hall where it was held. First of all, it used to be a roller rink. Yes, a groovin' roller rink. I went to the roller rink when I was in junior high. It smelled like old shoes and nachos.  They must have thought a roller rink was a perfect start to a reception hall. It has a big open room, probably a rockin' sound system to play some hip tunes, and a nice wood floor for dancing.With a few modifications, it could be a good start to a nice banquet hall. However, I'm pretty sure the restaurant that took over this roller rink didn't make many modifications.

They put a good coat of paint on the place. But they installed carpet and painted the pretty wood floor. And I'm pretty sure all the original lighting, was not removed. Not only was it not removed, they actually used some of it for lighting the nice banquet hall. Now that was some interesting ambiance for the evening. There were running lights around the perimeter of the ceiling, you know, for soft lighting. And then when the muzak started going, they used the colored lights on the ceiling to give it a party feel.

Ah, the muzak, where do I start? It was one guy. With a keyboard. And a drum loop. He was mellow. And he was just a little annoying when he was doing Christmas classics. It was when he tried to do something a little more upbeat that he was just laughable. Like when he tried to sing Mustang Sally. With his keyboard. And his drum loop. Oh, and did I mention he had a tip jar? Don't get me started on his tip jar. The only thing I'm grateful for is that he didn't try and do Justin Beiber.

Now, once you got past the decor, it was decent food. And it was nice to see family I only see once or twice a year. So, all in all, it was a very nice holiday. In the middle of nowhere. In a former roller rink. 

Gluttony...

Too much of something. That's how I would define gluttony. Most of us only use that term when we think of the "seven deadly sins," but oh, how much more is it in our lives. I used to only think of it in the terms of excess of food, like in this scene from Lord of the Rings.

However - as grotesque as this scene is, I only recently realized that our gluttony - our partaking in needless excess-applies to so many other things.
So, I'm going to talk about why I quit Facebook.
"What, you quit Facebook?!? How are you surviving?" is the response I've gotten recently.
I really hesitated to write on this, because I feel like people would think was just a pious act, done to flaunt my hatred of technology and self-control over other people. But that is so far from the truth.
I loved Facebook. I loved every status update, photo and comment I posted. I love reading about other people's lives. I love looking at other people's posts. And I miss it. I miss telling people about my day, my thoughts, and my frustrations. But, I had to quit. The service, while a very useful tool, was taking over my life.
The first thing I would reach for in the morning was my phone to check what people had posted on my page overnight. I would think in status updates, figuring out how I could make something funny. Sadly, I still think in status updates.
Tonight, I have nothing to do because no one called me. If I were on Facebook, I could've probably looked up what friends were doing tonight. I miss that connection. Honestly, if it were up to me, I would still be on there.
However, I have an accountability partner that holds me accountable to my convictions, and helped me quit. I gave her my password, and she went into my account and deactivated it and changed my password. Sadly, my self control was pitiful. And when I tried to deactivate my account on my own, I would lose my will and log back in after a mere 24 hours.
Today marks one week since I deactivated my account, and I want to say that it hasn't been the ultimate solution to my time-management issues. However, I have come clearly to define the three reasons why giving it up has made my life distinctly better.

• Time. I feel like I have control over my time on the computer better. Not all things are fixed, but I haven't gotten sucked into the Facebook world. Instead, I'm actually reading useful things on the web, like news and helpful blogs. 
• No-comparisons. I'm not comparing myself to other people. Looking at their pictures or relationships and wishing I had what they had. I'm not jealous of people who have more to do than I do. 
• Not over-sharing. While I'm working on it, I'm not compelled to share every tedious and boring part of my life. I'm seeking healthier, more intentional outlets of my frustration. 

So, yeah, this is just the beginning of this journey Facebook-less. And I do think that at some point I might go back to it. But hopefully, this part of giving it up is showing me a side of life I have forgotten about.

Waiting well...

So, I'm not going to lie. Today was a difficult day. I'm in the midst of starting a prayer group with some single friends to pray for our future husbands, and I honestly didn't imagine it would be this hard to get people to come. So far, I've hosted it for three months, one Saturday morning a month, and only one person has come in that time. Talk about feeling like a loser.
Each time, I prepare my house, and sit and wait.
I know that God calls us to act, and to stand up for good things even when no one follows. And that's my plan. I will continue to prepare, and wait. And pray, and wait some more.
I don't write this for a pity party, I really don't. I don't need the followers. I just want people to have a place where they can come and pray to God for marriage. To cry out to God about their future spouse - that he will be a man who is a leader, and will pursue them, and that it will be in God's timing.
As I've explained my heart for this time with friends who I invite to come, I've gotten lots of mixed responses.
"But, what if God doesn't have marriage in my future?" one person asked.
My response: We all pray for things that may or may not happen. And in those times, when God's answer is no, we grow closer to Him. We acknowledge our dependence on Him. We seek Him. Praying for a husband, and letting God know that we desire marriage is not a bad thing.
Other questions..."But it's such a personal thing to pray for. Why are we praying as a group?"
Well, God calls us to community. We grow closer by praying for one another. Why not pray as a group for each other to find a godly husband? Is it so far fetched to pray in that way? I can't imagine that God would want us to shy away from this subject.
Honestly, I didn't think I was stepping on that many toes trying to pray together for men to come into our lives. We are single. God has created marriage to be a good thing. I'm sick of sitting back and waiting for it to happen. As women, we are called to wait for men to pursue. At least in this way, I am taking my action to God, who, last time I checked was Lord of all. If there was anyone who could find me a husband, I think it would be Him.
Did I mention that I am passionate about this?
So, friends who read this, join me in prayer. Pray for me a husband. Pray for me to be strong in waiting. Pray for me to trust God in waiting. And not only to wait, but to wait well, taking everything to God. 

Pray, prayer and praying...

This last week has been an amazing week. It has been very busy at work, and my house is no where near clean enough for the company I have coming over on Saturday morning, but it has been an amazing week. And I will tell you why...I started praying again.
I don't know why now, or how it started, but this past week, has just been great in getting to know my heavenly father.
I've been studying a lot about forgiveness lately, and I think, even though I did not want to admit it, I was blaming my singleness on God. Blaming Him for not giving me what I want, and giving him the cold shoulder as I wallowed in my self-pity.
I wish I could say exactly what changed, but I think through talking to God so much this week, we finally got things worked out. I never realized that talking to God again could be so great, or so lovely. Slowly, this relationship is building again as I cry out in my moments of need, and on the behalf of those I love around me, and give glory to our heavenly Father.
The only analogy for what has happened in the last week was a conversation I had last week with my sister. For so long, our conversations by phone have been the obligatory niceties that come when your live so far apart. You talk about your job, your parents, and the kids, but never get to the heart of the matter. Well, we decided to farther in that conversation that we had in awhile, and ended up yelling at each other for a good five minutes at each other. The conversation was heated, but it was probably the most honest conversation we've had in a long time. It was what it took to clear the air.
I think, this last week, that I just "cleared the air," so to speak with God. We had some honest, frank discussions, and once I was honest with Him, we could move on.
It feels so good to be moving forward with God again. I can honestly say that when I started this blog a year ago, I thought I'd be living in a different part of the US by now, that I'd be married, that my life would be different somehow.
Well, I am different and my life is different. I'm just a different person on the inside, living in the same place, working the same job. There's something to be said for internal transformation. It definitely makes you look at the "same old" in a new and different light.

Can't see God for my trees...

I love God. I want to follow him with my whole heart. I want to see His view for my life. I want Him to be the center. If only I could see Him through my trees.
Monday was a hard day. My back was spasming, I was on pain killers and muscle relaxers, I had a really busy day at work, and then on top of all that I was supposed to go to Bible study, and play in front of people.
Then, on Tuesday, I was a wreck at work, really wrestling through what my life looked like exactly. Why am I doing all that I am? What is the purpose of putting myself through all the relationships that I do, just in hopes of having what I think is right? I was at that point in my road where I can either choose to believe God, and trust even through all the hard stuff, or reject Him completely.
However, even though I had no idea, God had a plan to set me back on track. I hadn't listened to any sermons online in awhile, so I thought I would look up one from my former Pastor, Mark Vroegop, who was called away to Indianapolis a couple years ago.
These words were exactly what I needed at the moment:


“Unbelief often takes roots in our hearts when we think we’ve got a better plan than God. And the problem is that we can not only be guilty of unbelief; we will miss the wonderful things that God is up to. We can’t see the spiritual forest because it is missing a few of our trees!”


If it were up to me, I'd be married, maybe have a few kids, and own a home with a white picket fence. But, God has other plans for my life. Those expectations of a great life with a family are my trees. I fight and wrestle with God so often about them. While I am wrestling with God, I often miss what is right there before me. A beautiful forest God has created before me, full of life and relationships that may have never had if I were married. An opportunity to travel, to serve God freely. To bear fruit, not through family, but through relationships. 
Yes, I admit, the loneliness does not go away. I am still longing for the day when I will be married. When I will be able to experience this life with another person by my side. I still believe whole-heartedly that God will grant me the desires of my heart. But now, that tree of desire is just a part of the whole- not getting in the way of my view. 

It's just not that easy...

So, at work, one of pastors asked me to pull some data for him of all the single guys at our church. A simple task, but when I gave it to him, he joked with me about trying to find me a husband. I laughed, but replied, "you're not going to find it in there." He laughed, and said "you're pretty emphatic about that." And while I may have seemed a little harsh, I couldn't help but think how little he understands about being single, 30, and in a smaller church like ours. Like, finding a husband is as easy as picking a name off a list? Or I haven't been looking since I began going to Calvary six years ago? Not so.
I have been looking. I have put myself out there. I've been trying. And I've been hurt, rejected, and I'm still alone. So, when I say you won't find it in that list, I'm serious. There's nothing there for me.

Ruth and Sarah...

Sarah and Ruth. Both people in the Bible who had their lives totally turned upside down by circumstances they would have never predicted. Sarah, the wife of Abraham, had her life changed when her husband was suddenly called by God to leave their land and go on a mission in the dessert and ultimately become the father of the Jewish nation.
As I think about Sarah, with no children, and thinking her time was past to have children, laughing at God in disbelief, it totally resonates with where I am in life right now. At times, I'm in total unbelief that God has someone out there for me, who is ready to love me, and share life with me. I don't see it. I've been alone a long time. For the past six years I've lived alone. I've taken care of me, and only me. I've become this independent woman, capable of taking care of herself. While I see God at work in my life, I don't see where God's going to allow someone else to enter.
Sarah was the same way. She didn't see how God was going to fit a baby into her life. She was settled in as a woman without children. She had a life set for herself. She and Abraham were getting along just fine. Even though God had promised that Abraham's ancestors were going to become a great nation, they never knew how it was going to ultimately work out.
Abraham's faith never waivered, while Sarah's did. I'm like Sarah. My faith waivers often when I think about how God's going to provide a husband. I look around at the guys in my circle of friends, and I just think..."How, God?" Quality guys, but none for me.
And then I think of Ruth. In a new place, in new surroundings, taking care of Naomi. And she was alone, trying to provide for her and her mother-in-law. Totally sufficient, but lacking a husband, someone to share life with. And God provided, in some of the most unexpected ways.
I'm not sure how this story ends. God keeps writing it day by day. Hour by hour. Tear by frustrated tear. Some days I feel like Sarah, and other days I feel like Ruth. All days I feel alone.

Praying for a husband...

Candice Watter's book Get Married: What Women Can Do To Help It Happen. Yes, I know that's a cheesy title, but what it has really helped me do is to pray for a husband. To pray boldly that God will provide a husband. I've also enlisted a prayer partner, to help me realize that I am not the only person in the situation, nor will I be the last. Today, I prayed for her the following:

I pray and ask the God almighty to answer our prayers for godly men who love to serve God, to fall in love with us, and that we will be ready for it to happen. :-) I pray that we will not have any doubts when we meet the right people, and even though we find wonderful men, that our focus will first and foremost be on the God who created us and loves us. I pray that they will be handsome, good providers, and will treat us well. I pray that we will find them soon, and that God's timing will be perfect. I pray that while we are waiting that God will become real in powerful ways. I pray for opportunities to meet quality men. While we worship in a church that doesn't have many single men, that God would give us places and people to meet people, and develop friendships that will turn into relationships. I pray that we will marry our best friends. And lastly, I just pray for someone who thinks we are beautiful, inside and out.

So, that's my thought for today. Prayer is powerful, and we need to be praying to God fervently to ask Him to work on our behalf.

Getting off course...

Yesterday, I wrote about distraction, and I just wanted to elaborate on that today. God has been using seemingly innocent things in my life to distract me from His purpose, and last night I just felt called to recommit to going ahead and serving Him without those distractions.
I think what was a real turning point yesterday, and for how my life has gone lately was an article in The Holland Sentinel yesterday about a teacher who was a pastor at a church, and with simply choosing to love His addiction more than he loved God, lost everything. He is going through a "storm" as the pastor in the article states. 
I can't help but just feel deeply for the family that must be embarrassed, shaken, hurting at this moment. I would never wish that pain on anyone.
In my head, over and over, the words "your sins will find you out," keep running through my head.
How many things do we do in secret. How many impure thoughts do we have each day that we just brush off as innocent? How many times do we do something, and think that no one will ever know? This just reminds me of the diligence living a pure and holy life requires. Our actions originate in our thoughts. Our thoughts breed actions. And our actions breed consequences.

Prepared?

I struggle to write this post, because my mind is so full of questions from things I've heard over the last few days, I can't even begin to put them into words.
1) I went to Bible study last night, and was faced with a message about following God's call for my life, and getting rid of the distractions. I will admit, this road to follow God's plan for my life the last year has not been without its fair share of distractions. Boys. Stress. You name it, it's happened. The message made me realize that I need to "stop seeking God's will for my life and start seeking God." That quote made me think. I've been making all these grand plans, and have kinda consulted God, but not really. And ever since things got crazy at work in January, my relationship with God has definitely suffered.

2) Pastor Trent told me to watch a video, and it would change my life. I'm telling all my blog readers the same. I have a friend Erinn who has been suffering through infertility. I've had my fair share of bad things happen in my life in the last five years. But I was never as public, and as transparent about them as Erinn and her husband Kevin. Her emails are inspiring and give me hope. She and Kevin are suffering well.
This video that I'm posting below is a view of suffering well, and all the understanding about Jesus that goes along with it. When I was done watching it, I just sat in my chair, and cried out for the Lord to heal this man. He has the faith I want.
Please watch.

T4G 2010 -- Session 8 -- Matt Chandler from Together for the Gospel (T4G) on Vimeo.

God is so generous...

Sometimes we forget how much we are truly given. We have cars to drive, we have food to eat, we have clothes to wear, and we are rich. So often, I truly forget how much I have, and how much I've been given.

I've been reading this book, Mao's Last Dancer, and I was appalled at the poverty communism caused in China. People had no food, people had no money, and people died because the government took over their lives, and they had no power to go against it.

As I was handing in my support for my upcoming Jamaica trip, I was amazed by how generous my family, friends and church family has been over these last few months as I was raising support. In just a few short months, I have raised all the support I need to take this trip. People gave generously, and showed their support for what I'm doing, and for what God has been doing in my life recently. And as I sat down to write thank you cards for those who gave to my trip, I was humbled at the amount I had to write. All these people want to see God's kingdom furthered through me and this trip! Talk about pressure!

Their ability to give, and this book I'm reading I'm sure is no coincidence. God wanted to show me how much we have. To show me that He has given us everything we need.

Someone please turn off the loooove faucet!

So, spring is just around the corner, and I SWEAR someone just turned on the love faucet full force. My facebook, twitter and email are all full of people getting together, getting engaged, and just plain declaring their love for one another.

While, I know this is all part of God's good design, it's just another reminder that I'm single, and the majority of my friends, are not.

I've been praying a lot about marriage lately. Praying for God's timing, acknowledging that He is sovereign in His choice for who I will marry, praying that He will align my will to His. My singleness weighs heavy on my heart, like a weight around my neck. Sometimes, when I'm in Sunday School, or at dinner with friends, I feel like there's a neon sign hanging over my head, flashing in bright pink that says "Single," "Flawed," "Comes with Baggage."

While I feel I need to counsel myself out of this funk that accompanies the Single-in-Spring blues, I also know that when it happens, it happens.

My sister, who was 29 when she married, once told me that the wait for marriage was hard, but when you find the right person, the wait didn't seem to matter at all. Granted, she's now married, so of course the lonely nights, the tear-stained pillows, and the forced smiles are going to be a distant memory. But, I still think of that statement and hope that one day, in the not-so-far futuer, I will find someone, and then, I to will get to say, "That wait didn't matter at all."

having faith...

The theme of this year for me is faith. To have more, to follow examples of, and to grow in faith. Last year my faith struggled, actually it still is. My faith in a God that is good has wavered, and I'm not ashamed to admit that - now.

It's just hard to trust that the circumstances I find myself in are ordained by a loving God who has systematically planned my life, and that He has it all working out for good. It's hard, but at the same time I pray for faith in God's system. I pray that He will enable me to believe that things will all work out for good even when my faith is pushed beyond what I perceive as my limits. And while my feelings are valid, they aren't rooted in truth.

tired...

Tired. That's my most recent state lately. Tired from working. Tired from working out. Tired of never-ending work projects. I thought I was busy over the holidays, but it was nothing in comparison to this last month. I hope you'll excuse the absence of regular blogging for the last few weeks.

Basically, at work we're redesigning the church web site. I've always been interested in web design, but this project has been overwhelming, and my days off the last few weeks have been few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job. But I also enjoy getting groceries, hanging out with friends, and having a life outside of work, too.
The good news is that my life should return to "normal" soon, whatever that may be.

So, to update you, the last month I have done a few things to add to the launching my life theme. I've taken up swimming once a week in order to vary my fitness routine. I like it, although I'm not very good at it. Surprisingly bad, actually. I'm slow, afraid to get my face wet, but still, I go every Saturday morning in hopes that I will actually get better. We'll see about that. I'm going to get goggles soon, and this week I purchased nose plugs.

Also: I'm going to Jamaica! I'm taking my first missions trip out of the country. I'm so excited to go! I saw the opportunity, and jumped at it. It feels sooo good to see this list come true. And to feel like my life is heading somewhere. It feels really nice to have something to look forward to this spring.

So, yeah, a lot has happened in the last month. But right now, on a blissfully quiet Saturday night home, I think I'm going to take a quick nap. :-)

It takes so little...

It takes hundreds of pounds of pressure to crush a human body. I've learned that from watching endless hours of cop shows, science shows, you name it, on television. But what they don't show you is that a single diamond on another girl's finger, is enough to crush your heart.
Every time I see an engagement ring pop up these days, I go through a huge emotional turmoil, it seems. Jealousy, envy, sadness, anger. They're all there.
I cry out to God each time. "Really? Again? Is this some type of joke? You expect me to be happy for them? "
That was last week, when another one of my friends became engaged. And then another started dating. And then another just went on a date. Each time it just reminds me that there is a part of life that has seem to elude me for the past five years. I've not dated anyone, been asked out.
While I know that this is part of some grandiose plan that I don't see, and probably won't understand, part of me just wants to be normal. To share in the joy of relationship on a human level, in addition to the religious level.
I know I sound bitter, angry, envious...and those are attractive traits, I just feel a little bit lost, and a little bit cheated. And while I'm trying with all my heart to see God's perspective, my human emotions run high and my heart is hurt.
So I pray that God will teach me through this. That our bond will become unbreakable with each new hurt.
God I hurt. Please heal me.